IHOP

IHOP

It is 2 am Saturday morning. My friend and I find ourselves on Seawall Blvd at the IHOP eating breakfast. I won’t bore you with the details of exactly what we had for breakfast but it was good. Ok ok .. I can’t help myself. I had Waffles. Those of you who have seen the movie Shrek know the manner in which those words are spoken. Donkey made it famous when he said ‘and in the morning I’m makin’ Waffles!’ but my waffles that were covered with whip cream and strawberries and oh so tasty are not the topic of this post. I would like to share with you a little of our experience at the IHOP in Galveston that morning.

My friend and I are enjoying our meal and listening to the various drunken conversations taking place all around us. Sitting in the booth behind me are two young men, maybe mid-twenties. We are privy to the interactions that had taken place earlier in the night with their friend’s girlfriend. Suffice it to say, their friend might have been proud of them if they were being honest, but he certainly wouldn’t have been pleased with her behavior. As mind numbingly interesting as this is the drunken conversation trophy should really go to the next drunk to enter the scene.

A young man barely 21 years old if he was even that, comes strolling in. Walking slowly, looking as if he walks a bit slower he will stop and his eyelids with surrender to the gravitation pull they are currently struggling against. He staggers through the obstacle course of tables and chairs in the restaurant finally reaching his destination. He has a buddy waiting for him. The buddy didn’t seem to be as intoxicated and maybe even a little annoyed at his friend for his inability to handle his liquor. Once he falls into the booth and without a word to his friend he puts his cell phone to his ear and we hear his one sided conversation.

I will fill in what I believe were the words on the other end of the call:

Ring Ring… ‘um.. hello’ .. Hey, where are jew? ‘I’m at home’ .. I taught jew wuz gonna meet me? ‘No’ … Jew really home? ‘yes’ .. Aww maaanz… an eyes wuz gonna meet jew here. ‘where’ ... at da IHOP .. ‘no’ ... I wuz at da club. ‘oh really, I didn’t see you’ .. you saws me, I saws you. I says I would meet jew at da IHOP. ‘well, I don't remember that’ … Yeahs… well I’m at da IHOP. I wuz gonna buy jew breafas’ and everthang.. ‘well, I am at home’ .. Jew not coming ? ‘where?’ ... DA IHOP!! ‘are you really at the IHOP?’ .. Yez, eyes gonna buy youz zum baycon an zum eggs. ‘well I am at home’ … Jew really home? ‘yes’ ... I’m at da IHOP!! eyes wuz gonna buy jew zum breafas’ and everthang. Jew not coming up 'ere? ‘No’ .. aww manz.. eyes wuz gonna buy jew zum baycon an zum eggs… whateva. Click.
At this point we are really enjoying this conversation. It is fun watching this Casanova wannabe crash and burn and sink into a pit of desperation. I feel a twinge of pity for his idiot self when SHE walks in. Not the ‘she’ he was talking to but a woman of the night. She was a sight. Flesh popping out of her way too small clothes, feet wedged into high heels, buttons threatening to pop from the tension created by her breasts… her all of mid-fifties breasts. Her rickety movements remind me of a high-strung and over- excited chihuahua. She manages to sit in her chair. No sooner does her rump touch the seat than the young idiot behind us calls out to her. ‘Hey baby, come over here,’ to which she responds by shaking her head side to side, giggling and says ‘no, you come over here.’ We have left our booth at this time since we have finished our meal. As we are leaving this young idiot leaves his booth and trudges over to her table and makes himself at home leaving his friend alone in the booth.

Leaving the parking lot we drive past the windows. The young idiot is still at the woman’s table and his friend is on his own cell phone. The expression on his face is priceless. One can almost hear his conversation based upon his expression. I imagine his conversation going something like this…. ‘you won’t believe what he is doing now. First he called her (we never heard her name) and she shot him down and now… oh man… now he is sitting with a hooker!’

Driving down the road away from this insidious debacle we look at one another and my friend says to me… “Eyes wuz gonna buy jew zum breafas’ an everthang.” Laughter erupts in our car.... Karma is so going to get us.

Sharon

The Lovebug, Tarts of the Insect World

The Lovebug, Tarts of the Insect World

From the lips of George Jones flow the words: “It’s the little bitty teeny weeny thing they call the Lovebug.” The lovebug has been the subject of songs, poetry, books and websites. In spite of the sweet words written and spoken in regards to this little bug, it is anything but sweet. Quite frankly I find them disgusting. This weekend I was in Galveston with a friend. We experienced first hand the lovebug in all of it's copulating glory and I must admit at times I felt like a used mattress in a rooms-by-the-hour sleaze motel.

A little bit of history about the lovebug. The lovebug, Plecia nearctica, is a member of the family of march flies. The males are 1/4 inch, and females are 1/3 inch in length. The lovebug starts life as an egg. The egg will hatch into larvae which will feed on decaying vegetation. The lovebug will spend five to seven months in this stage of life. Once the larvae matures it will spend seven to ten days in the pupal stage. At the end of the pupae stage the lovebug will mature to adulthood. Adult females will live for only two to three days. There are two mating seasons throughout the year. In the spring and in the fall; April to May and then August to September. During the mating season the lovebugs will form swarms with numbers into the thousands. The flights occur during the day hours when temperatures are above 68º. During mating the male and female attach themselves at the rear of the abdomen and remain that way at all times, even in flight, hence the name ‘lovebug.’ After mating the male will die. He is then dragged around by the female until she lays her eggs.

The lovebugs will accumulate on any object during mating. Landing on anything as they drift about and most annoyingly on people. Thousands of bugs were splattered on the front of the car and on the windshield. Their chemical makeup makes them devasting to the paint and chrome of automobiles. If allowed to stay on the body of the car the chemicals will destroy the paint. The massive numbers can clog radiators making cars overheat. When splattered on the windshield they begin to obstruct the visibility. Despite the chemical make up they are quite timid as they do not sting or bite. They are delicate insects, with very little pressure they can be killed.

In spite of their fragile design they can be quite tenacious. We conducted a completely unscientific experiment. We wanted to determine the average staying power of the female lovebug on the windshield of a moving vehicle. We determined, we’ll say on a closed course, that the average female can hold onto the windshield up to approximately 70 mph before she loses her grip. One herculean female hung on to the windshield until we reached 80 mph. She did not lose her grip at this point. The windshield wipers were utilized to facilitate her departure. Of course all this time the poor male is being whipped about and thrashed into the windshield all the while by being attached to the female by his, well, his abdomen we’ll say. Now, my friend, who was quite unnerved by this fact and all man grabbed his crotch and expressed his dismay by shouting … “Oh My _ _ _ _ !” Now, me being female, I found this extremely humorous, but I was quickly educated, kindheartedly of course, on the subject of the cold hearted nature of the female gender, if I remember correctly the term vice grip was uttered. Now, I countered this notion by stating that if the males could keep that thing out of places they KNOW are going to get them into trouble this type of tragedy would not occur. The entire disaster was then blamed on the pheromones of the female. It was concluded that ultimately all females are solely responsible for the demise of all males which is such a typical male perspective. My final response to this exchange was typically female: ‘Whatever’

I had always been a little curious about the lovebug and I had wondered what they are and what they look like. Well, I wonder no more! I imagined two bugs resembling ladybug couples. I suppose they could be viewed as the phornographic version of a ladybug couple with absolutely no concept of too much public displays of affection. Such a precious name for such a disgusting and annoying insect. If you ever have the displeasure of experiencing the swarming orgy of the lovebug during mating season perhaps you will share my opinion of these tiny little tarts of the insect world.

Sharon

Information compiled from the following websites:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_bug
http://edis.ifas.ufl.edu/MG068

Bubble Heaven, Bubble Hell

Bubble Heaven, Bubble Hell

I am a pretty humble person. I do not like to boast about my achievements or brag about my intelligence. However, I feel that in light of recent events, which I will explain momentarily, it is imperative that you know the following information. I do think of myself as a fairly intelligent individual. I may be blonde but I graduated with an Associates degree in Science with Honors with a grade point average of 3.78. I was certified as an Emergency Medical Technician and I graduated with the second highest grade point average in my class being topped by less than one tenth of a point. I am a member of Who's Who Among American Junior College Students and Phi Theta Kappa, which by the way is an international honor society. I received the English Student of the Year Award in 2003; if you ever find yourself in the Paris Junior College writing lab you will find my name upon a plaque on the wall. I also received first place in a creative writing competition with Paris Junior College, which was comprised, of three different campuses. I received a scholarship from the PJC Science Department, which was based on a combination of my tenacity and my grades in Anatomy & Physiology, Biology, Microbiology and Chemistry. While all of that sounds pretty good, bear in mind I did all of this while going through a divorce, working a full-time job and raising two children; one child being a teenager and one with a physical disability. Hopefully I have convinced you that I am not the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz but wait, I haven’t told you my story. I will now shamefully tell you of my latest accomplishment.

If you are ever curious or wonder what if .... please heed my advice:
DO NOT PUT LIQUID DISH SOAP IN AN AUTOMATIC DISHWASHER !!
Like the scientists and inventors who have subjected themselves and others to hideous, torturous, painful and sometimes fatal experiments striving to improve circumstances for mankind, I have done this for you: my critics, my fellow bloggers, my neighboring travelers on this highway of life, my friends.

I have always heard not to put regular dish liquid in the dishwasher. Now, as I explained above I am somewhat intelligent but I like to challenge common beliefs. I subscribe to the notion that until it is proven to me it isn't true and besides, I was out of automatic dish soap. Well, I can now safely say that it IS true. It is TRUTH, fact, genuineness, sureness, and absolute certainty. As you can see by the picture I tested this hypothesis, I gathered the information, I tested the theory and I have determined that this theory is LAW of the greatest magnitude.

It was bubble heaven; it was bubble hell. Bubbles were oozing out from around the door, literally pouring out from below the door. It was a cascade of bubbles. Bubbles on the floor, bubbles on my toes, so many bubbles I couldn’t keep them contained. I must admit it was quite humorous and my daughter (of course my daughter just had to witness this!!) had a difficult time helping me clean it because she was laughing too hard. My cat, well he just sat and stared at the bountiful bubbles oozing out of the machine, nose in the air and thinking to himself… ‘I knew this woman wasn’t very smart. Finally I have my proof. First the little rat of a dog and now this, yes, she is not very smart … humans.. Humph’.

I believe that since I, being somewhat intelligent can pull such a not so smart move there must be others (I know those of you who have done this will never admit to it) who have or will do the same. Hence, I have decided that others must benefit from my misfortune. So I ashamedly present to you the 'what to do's' for this exact exponentially bubbling catastrophe. Perhaps it can be posted in someone's kitchen somewhere so that in the event that you run out of automatic dishwasher soap and the synapses in the brain have suddenly stopped synapsing and you begin to think that it sounds like a good idea to try it you will now have a solution to the disaster that is soon to befall you. Here are some possible solutions. Good luck.
According to the ACME how to .com website at: http://www.acmehowto.com/howto/appliance/dishwasher/wrongsoap.php. The following is suggested:
First scoop out as much water as you can and dump it in the sink. Next add a cup or two of white vinegar and run the dishwasher for a short time. Now scoop out more water. The vinegar cuts the foaming action of the soap. You may have to repeat the process to eliminate the suds because some soapy water remains inside the pump and hoses.Also, if you poured it into the soap dispenser, wash that out by hand to get all the dish soap out.


Or you may wish to try this much simpler solution from About.com located at: http://housewares.about.com/od/dishwasherfaqstips/f/dishwshrdetergn.htm

Using regular liquid dish soap in your dishwasher will severely hamper the wash cycle. The high sudsing that will be produced will quickly fill your dishwasher with suds that may overflow from the appliance to the floor.Only detergents that are specially formulated for dishwashers should be used in these appliances. These create no suds during the cycle. Always add the proper detergent to the specially-designed dishwasher compartment. If you have used the incorrect liquid detergent for a cycle, you may need to run the wash or rinse cycle a second time, without detergent, to rinse your dishes and clear out the soap suds and residue.Likewise, dishwasher detergent is not recommended to manually wash dishes. Although your dishes will come clean, the lack of suds may cause you to add too much detergent to the water and will make it difficult to properly rinse your dishes.


I googled this phrase... 'regular dish liquid in automatic dishwasher.' I received 128,000 results. This makes me feel somewhat better about my misadventure. Happy cleaning.

Sharon