IHOP

IHOP

It is 2 am Saturday morning. My friend and I find ourselves on Seawall Blvd at the IHOP eating breakfast. I won’t bore you with the details of exactly what we had for breakfast but it was good. Ok ok .. I can’t help myself. I had Waffles. Those of you who have seen the movie Shrek know the manner in which those words are spoken. Donkey made it famous when he said ‘and in the morning I’m makin’ Waffles!’ but my waffles that were covered with whip cream and strawberries and oh so tasty are not the topic of this post. I would like to share with you a little of our experience at the IHOP in Galveston that morning.

My friend and I are enjoying our meal and listening to the various drunken conversations taking place all around us. Sitting in the booth behind me are two young men, maybe mid-twenties. We are privy to the interactions that had taken place earlier in the night with their friend’s girlfriend. Suffice it to say, their friend might have been proud of them if they were being honest, but he certainly wouldn’t have been pleased with her behavior. As mind numbingly interesting as this is the drunken conversation trophy should really go to the next drunk to enter the scene.

A young man barely 21 years old if he was even that, comes strolling in. Walking slowly, looking as if he walks a bit slower he will stop and his eyelids with surrender to the gravitation pull they are currently struggling against. He staggers through the obstacle course of tables and chairs in the restaurant finally reaching his destination. He has a buddy waiting for him. The buddy didn’t seem to be as intoxicated and maybe even a little annoyed at his friend for his inability to handle his liquor. Once he falls into the booth and without a word to his friend he puts his cell phone to his ear and we hear his one sided conversation.

I will fill in what I believe were the words on the other end of the call:

Ring Ring… ‘um.. hello’ .. Hey, where are jew? ‘I’m at home’ .. I taught jew wuz gonna meet me? ‘No’ … Jew really home? ‘yes’ .. Aww maaanz… an eyes wuz gonna meet jew here. ‘where’ ... at da IHOP .. ‘no’ ... I wuz at da club. ‘oh really, I didn’t see you’ .. you saws me, I saws you. I says I would meet jew at da IHOP. ‘well, I don't remember that’ … Yeahs… well I’m at da IHOP. I wuz gonna buy jew breafas’ and everthang.. ‘well, I am at home’ .. Jew not coming ? ‘where?’ ... DA IHOP!! ‘are you really at the IHOP?’ .. Yez, eyes gonna buy youz zum baycon an zum eggs. ‘well I am at home’ … Jew really home? ‘yes’ ... I’m at da IHOP!! eyes wuz gonna buy jew zum breafas’ and everthang. Jew not coming up 'ere? ‘No’ .. aww manz.. eyes wuz gonna buy jew zum baycon an zum eggs… whateva. Click.
At this point we are really enjoying this conversation. It is fun watching this Casanova wannabe crash and burn and sink into a pit of desperation. I feel a twinge of pity for his idiot self when SHE walks in. Not the ‘she’ he was talking to but a woman of the night. She was a sight. Flesh popping out of her way too small clothes, feet wedged into high heels, buttons threatening to pop from the tension created by her breasts… her all of mid-fifties breasts. Her rickety movements remind me of a high-strung and over- excited chihuahua. She manages to sit in her chair. No sooner does her rump touch the seat than the young idiot behind us calls out to her. ‘Hey baby, come over here,’ to which she responds by shaking her head side to side, giggling and says ‘no, you come over here.’ We have left our booth at this time since we have finished our meal. As we are leaving this young idiot leaves his booth and trudges over to her table and makes himself at home leaving his friend alone in the booth.

Leaving the parking lot we drive past the windows. The young idiot is still at the woman’s table and his friend is on his own cell phone. The expression on his face is priceless. One can almost hear his conversation based upon his expression. I imagine his conversation going something like this…. ‘you won’t believe what he is doing now. First he called her (we never heard her name) and she shot him down and now… oh man… now he is sitting with a hooker!’

Driving down the road away from this insidious debacle we look at one another and my friend says to me… “Eyes wuz gonna buy jew zum breafas’ an everthang.” Laughter erupts in our car.... Karma is so going to get us.

Sharon